


the only heaven i’ll be sent to (is when i’m alone with you)

by punto_y_coma



Category: Daredevil (TV), Jessica Jones (TV), The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Banter, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Friends With Benefits, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:54:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23673409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punto_y_coma/pseuds/punto_y_coma
Summary: Friends with benefits AU. Matt joins a support group in an attempt to keep from going back to being Daredevil; Jessica has court-mandated anger management. This is a deviation from canon in as much as they actually have time to have an affair with all the shit that keeps happening to them.
Relationships: Jessica Jones & Matt Murdock, Jessica Jones/Matt Murdock
Comments: 18
Kudos: 98





	the only heaven i’ll be sent to (is when i’m alone with you)

The free donuts smelled rancid and the air felt stuffy inside the makeshift conference room at the back of the church. Jessica removed her sunglasses and moved to the side a curtain of hair that desperately needed washing; it was just one of those days: Her first meeting of court-mandated anger management group therapy... That was a fucking mouthful. She shook a paper cup in her hands, trying to make out how much of the contents were actually coffee.

"I wouldn't drink that," a man's voice gently interrupted her thoughts.

"What's it to you, asshole?" she replied almost automatically and rolled her eyes when the owner of the voice had the guts to sit right beside her in the circle of chairs.

"You might choke on it," he said. Jessica didn't turn but he could hear his smile; he was amused at her outbreak. "The machine has been broken for years; you get a serving of burnt coffee grounds with each cup."

She groaned and left the cup on the floor, by her chair. She glanced at the guy as she sat back up. Nice suit, though on the cheap side, and formal shoes, so worn down that she'd guess he used them for running. That and the calculated way he talked made her guess he might be a legal assistant of some sort. Resting primly on his lap was a walking stick, he was wearing tinted glasses indoors and cocking his head curiously towards the rustle of her leather jacket... Blind.

"First time?" he asked. The guy had a kind smile, a nice jawline, an open forehead; all very fine qualities that didn't undermine Jessica's want to punch him in the face.

"What gave me away?" she snapped back.

"They'll make you share today, just a heads-up," he warned her, his smile unwavering and annoying as he sat back, putting some space between them.

Not a minute later, the meeting began. The woman in charge was a righteous and motherly kind of nightmare and Jessica found herself either huffing and rolling her eyes, or spacing out completely as the others shared; she quickly lost track of who was mad at their kids or their boss or whatever. Not that it mattered, really. It was all boring and predictable shit. Well, up until the blind guy.

"My name's Matthew. It's been a rough couple of days..." he said. Jessica predicted a long speech about how he was mad at God for being blind. But no. "I thought the city would change right away; that with Fisk gone, it would feel different... Everything is just as violent; every day I get case after case after case of injustice. We try to help but it's not enough. Whatever we can do it's too little too late..."

"Have you done the serenity prayer, Matthew? God never gives us more than we can carry," the woman said.

"I'm having trouble telling the difference between what I can and can't change," he admitted, flexing his hand and loosening the knot of his tie. "I was born here; those are my neighbors, screaming in the streets getting murdered!"

Jessica turned and saw his hands gripping his cane with force, his knuckles white and his jaw locked. He reminded her of Luke, in a bad way, his fucking savior complex.

"God, get over yourself," Jessica mumbled, and every head turned in her direction.

"Anything you want to share?" the woman asked pointedly.

"Yeah. None of that shit is his responsibility!" she spat. "The world's full of assholes, we can't babysit every last one of them."

"I don't mean that!" Matthew looked up, exasperated, like he was asking God to explain to Jessica why this was the right course of action. "Preventing bad things from happening, if that's within our reach, isn't that the right thing to do?"

"This isn't Ethics 101. I'll tell you what will happen, Matthew," Jessica had a flair for making any name sound like an insult. "You're going to start taking care of random people, just strangers off the street, taking cases pro bono, whatever it is you do. And that will feed your need to be the hero of the block. Then it's a slippery slope and before you know it, you're a target, your loved ones are a target and the big bad wolf comes knocking on your door," she reached down for her cup of coffee and took a sip. "Disgusting," she groaned. "Being good- Doing good, in my experience, it ends badly."

There was an ugly silence that followed her words. Judging by Matthew's face, she'd hit a nerve.

"What's your name, honey?" the woman asked.

"Jessica," she forced a smile and bit her tongue on what she'd do if anyone present addressed her as 'honey' ever again.

"Both Jessica and Matthew have been very generous sharing their feelings today. Very polarizing opinions. But there's a lesson to be learned here," the woman said, as a closing statement, "we have to take care of ourselves before helping others, right? I hope everyone's keeping a journal because that's today's topic-"

Matthew didn't stay for the whole spiel, he grabbed his cane and walked out briskly, almost running into Jessica as he left, missing her by inches. Jessica had never met anyone quite as angry as she was but this Matthew guy might be a close second.

~

Her orders were to attend one meeting a day, every day for thirty days. Every fucking day. By the third, Jessica wanted to cut her ears off.

Half the people attending the meetings were the kind of cheating husbands, scheming wives and idiot teenagers she chased for a living as a PI. The other half were quiet, nice, and good; rule-followers that put a cork on their emotions until everything exploded, people like Matthew.

She'd never say it out loud but he had managed to get under her skin... Just a little. He hadn't changed her views on the whole superhero thing, no. He had captured her attention because he was hiding something, he was a puzzle of sorts.

They hadn't argued after that first meeting but that didn't mean that Jessica had stopped listening. Going by what he shared, Matthew was a lawyer from Hell's Kitchen (infamous for crossing Wilson Fisk), very Catholic, blind since childhood, orphaned - real tragic backstory. But there was more, stuff he didn't share. One day, he had showed up to the meeting with bloody knuckles and a beat up face, making up bullshit excuses for them. He was also a little too keen on crime for a lawyer that supposedly specialized in 'helping innocent clients that were being run over by the system' (his words, not hers). Jessica had thought about investigating him, just for the hell of it, with all that she knew it would be easy and her business had been particularly slow these days... Then again, the whole point of the group was anonymity and all that shit. She was waiting for a loophole to be honest, and it presented itself ten days in.

Matthew hadn't shared that day, looking more than a little upset. At some point, he took his tinted glasses off and left them next to the donuts, running a hand over his eyes and then leaving the meeting abruptly. Jessica took his glasses as she left, deciding immediately that it would be a waste not to give them back and find out something about Matthew in return.

A quick internet search told her his last name was Murdock and the address of his office, which was enough for now, Jessica decided, grabbing her bag and her camera as she stormed out of her apartment.

~

Nelson and Murdock was busy as hell. A blonde secretary tried to keep track of everyone waiting.

"Please, have a seat. Do you have an appointment?" she asked Jessica.

"I don't," Jessica gave her one of her fabricated smiles and sweet intonations. "I'm here from Hogart, Berkowitz and Chao. I've got paperwork for Mister Murdock to sign, super urgent," she pointed at her bag. "I only need a minute. Sixty seconds, I swear."

That seemed to tug at the heartstrings of the blonde; she went into one of the offices and out came Matthew, sans glasses, his lips pursed into a tense line.

"Jessica," he greeted her flatly.

Jessica took the tinted sunglasses off of her hair, she had been wearing them as a diadem to keep them safe and also because it seemed like the kind of thing that might annoy Matthew if he found out.

"You forgot these at the meeting," she extended a hand holding the folded glasses and when Matthew didn't move she poked him lightly on the chest with them. She sometimes did forget he was blind. Matthew looked more annoyed than grateful as he took them and put them on. "You're welcome."

"The whole point of the meetings is anonymity so forgive me if I'm not quite as enthusiastic as you expected," he turned his head toward of the clacking heels of the secretary.

"I'm not gonna out you in your workplace, Murdock. I'm just trying to be nice. Olive branch and all that," Matthew sighed and Jessica smiled. "Weren't you Catholics high on that forgiveness shit?"

"I'm surprised you were listening to anything I've said," he replied, the corner of his mouth angling up slightly, half a smirk, but it was enough.

~

After that, Jessica and Matthew talked a bit at meetings, never pleasantries, they usually just snarked at each other. Matthew asked Jessica about her stance on the Castle case, Jessica shared her whisky with Matthew to make his coffee Irish.

One day, Matthew arrived to the meeting wearing gray sweatpants and an oversized hoodie instead of his normal suit.

"Is casual Thursday a thing at Nelson and Murdock, counselor?" Jessica hated athleisure with a passion but there was something about Matthew dressed like that, it softened his edges somewhat.

"I was planning on going to the gym after this," he admitted.

"Oh, no," she huffed and let herself fall on the foldable chair next to his. "Please tell me that you're not one of those CrossFit-quinoa-Instagram types."

"Nah. I don't see the appeal of Instagram," he replied dryly, making her snort. The lines on his face went from tired and almost defeated to a little proud that he had made her laugh. "You can come with me, if you want. I think you'd like it."

The gym was dark and Matthew walked in like he owned the place, flicking the lights on with his elbow as he dropped his bag on the floor. There were weights, a ring and sandbags; Matthew was putting bandages on his hands in that careful configuration that boxers used. He was quiet, his gaze fixed to the floor as Jessica wandered around.

"So… You box?" it came out as a question even though the answer was obvious.

"Just a little," he replied. "My Dad used to train here, he was the real boxer."

Jessica saw an old paper advertisement glued to the wall. "Battlin' Jack Murdock," she read.

"That was him," Matthew smiled and nudged the sandbag in front of him, testing the distance. "He never snapped at me once but when he was on the ring I could tell... He was angry," he cocked his head towards Jessica and for a moment she forgot he wasn't really looking at her. "Whatever he had, I have."

She took him in, barely holding himself together, so desperate... She took her leather jacket off, squaring her shoulders and hips, and grabbed the sandbag in front of Matthew.

"Let it out, pal," Jessica said defiantly.

He hit the sandbag a couple of times, testing how serious she was about it, how every hit felt like trying to break a wall when she put her weight into it. Then, it was like a dam breaking, the flow of it, he punched and punched and punched. Jessica had heard him talk about how angry he got, he said it felt like he had the devil inside of him; she had rolled her eyes and pursed her lips, not believing a word of it... But in that moment, he really looked like someone who was an inch away from murder, screaming until his throat was sore, his face wet with sweat and tears.

"Holy shit, Matt," she said when he eventually stopped.

"Sorry," he punched one last time, "sorry."

"Listen, I know you feel guilty about literally everything," Jessica poked her head from behind the sandbag, "but don't. Not with me."

"I should have stopped," he panted, "I could have hurt you..."

She snorted. "That's cute."

Matthew didn't smile, his breathing was still labored. Jessica nudged him to the side, away from the sandbag, and with one swift punch, she broke the chain that held it up, throwing it towards a wall with so much force that the floor trembled.

"That sounded-" Matthew started.

"Destructive?" Jessica guessed.

"I was gonna say impressive," he replied, the ghost of a smile curling his lips.

"Shut up," she mumbled, grabbing her jacket from the floor. "Why are you so upset, anyway?"

"My ex is in town," Matthew said, unwrapping his hands and shaking his head.

"What's her name?" Jessica threw her jacket on, and leaned on a wall, studying the way Matthew looked in the half lit room.

"Elektra Natchios," he replied.

"Well, shit," she scrunched her face in disgust. "She sounds like an insufferable trust fund baby with a flair for dramatics. Who names their child after a Greek tragedy?"

Matthew didn't reply but Jessica saw him chewing the inside of his cheek, and something told her that, again, she was a little too close for comfort.

~

They never mentioned it again. They kept sassing at each other, seeing each other at meetings and never elsewhere. And it probably would have remained that way if Jessica hadn't seen Matthew during a stakeout, walking like he was following someone himself. Usually, she would have remained at her nest but her instinct, the one that had warned her there was something else to Matthew, started buzzing inside her head and wouldn't let her concentrate. So she jumped down from the fire scape and ran to catch up with him, walking a few feet behind until he slithered into an alley. When Jessica caught up with him, he was discarding his cane into a dumpster and climbing up a pipe, like a freaking spider.

"What the fuck?!" Jessica mumbled, getting out her camera and snapping a couple of photos of Matthew parkouring his way up the wall and onto the roof.

~

"So... Parkour," Jessica dropped the bomb on his third scotch (her seventh).

Matthew scrunched his face and then tamed his expression into something a little more indifferent. "What about it?"

"Dunno, I was thinking of maybe getting some classes... Sounds like fun exercise," she said lightly, waving a fry topped with mustard as she spoke.

They had been at the bar for a little under an hour, just drinking and eating, not talking about anything heavy. In truth, Jessica was just waiting for Matthew's guard to be down and interrogate him.

"Uh- Is that- Is that the acrobatic thing?" he hesitated, playing dumb. Jessica contained the impulse to roll her eyes; she swore Matthew sometimes knew when she did it. "I've heard of it but I don't get why the opinion of a blind lawyer would matter. Are you worried about trespassing or something?"

"Matt," she interrupted him. "Cut the bullshit. I saw you. I've got photos."

Matthew's face turned from amicable to downright sour. "What do you want?"

"Just the truth," she replied simply, shrugging. "Are you pretending, to be blind?"

"I'm not," he sighed. "It's- It's complicated."

"I think I can keep up," Jessica replied.

"Fine," he took out his wallet and settled his half of the bill. "I'll explain but not here."

Jessica threw a twenty carelessly at the table and rose to her feet. "Lead the way."

~

Matthew's apartment was big; it kind of looked like a club with all the neon lights from the billboard outside, a very sad club. Jessica walked around, taking sips of the beer Matthew had just given her.

" _Enhanced senses. World on fire_ ," Jessica repeated. The words felt void and too fancy on her tongue. She let herself fall on the couch at the center of the room. "What the hell does that mean, Matt? That your hearing is pretty good? That's normal for blind people."

"I can single you out of a crowd of one thousand by the smell of your shampoo and the beat of your heart," he replied, fast. "You were experimented with, I was exposed to some chemicals when I lost my sight. And it's been hell ever since."

"Hell," Jessica repeated, something clicking inside her brain. The boxing, the acrobatics, the secrecy, the _anger_ … "You're him! You're the Devil of Hell's Kitchen!" Jessica suddenly felt guilty that she had rushed to judge Matthew, especially when he was one of the few she had let in. She extended the hand that was holding her glass and tapped his knee with it. "Hey. I'm a jerk. Just thought you were a criminal or something..."

"Ever heard of trust?" Matthew managed to smile a little as he said it.

"Fake news," she replied and smiled back, knowing now that he could somehow see it. Her life was fucking weird.

~

"What happened with your ex in the end?" Jessica asked. She and Matthew were walking to a diner, she had a mean craving for a hamburger and it was late. He was holding the back of her arm as they navigated the sea of people; she found the whole 'I'm Matthew Murdock, I'm blind' performance silly at times but lately the touch of his hands, careful and always waiting for permission, did something to her insides. Well, fuck.

"She got herself tangled with the Yakuza," Jessica snorted and Matthew laughed freely, "I helped her. She flew to Switzerland, I think."

"I still don't get it," she said, opening the door for him when they got to the diner.

"Thank you, Miss Jones," he said with a hint of irony, but softly since it was a habit by now. "What, Jess?"

"You... Her..." she sat at the table and flagged the waitress. "Two hamburgers and two coffees. Frankly, you have more potential for a committed relationship with Foggy."

Matthew cackled. "I've thought about it, don't think I haven't. Uh- Have you ever wanted to be someone else?"

"No," she replied immediately. "Well, sometimes I wish I didn't have powers. But that's different."

"No, you're right. I think I wanted to be what Elektra wanted me to be because he was carefree. It was easy to forget that what I was doing was wrong. I felt invincible."

"I'll believe that when I see it. Saint Matthew with his hair down," she teased. Matthew seemed amused at the comment. "I think I would like to," she said.

"Hmm?" Matthew replied absently, thinking the awkward moment had passed.

"Just- I know you are lonely sometimes," Matthew was scowling at her. He had mentioned it in group, feeling hopeless and left out but they didn't do this; they didn't acknowledge whatever had been said at group.

He hissed, slamming his mug on the table with force. "You are not allowed to say those things outside of that stinky room behind church. It's not fair, it's bullshit and you of all people should know how I feel about relationships, Jess!"

"I know! That's why I'm asking. I'm not asking for special treatment or stupid nicknames. I can take care of myself. I know about your extracurriculars and you know about mine..." Jessica laid back on her seat. "I just want someone to stay the night, to make me feel alive, just a little..." her voice faded slightly. She sounded vulnerable, fuck, she hated that. Suddenly, the inside of her coffee mug was the most interesting thing she'd seen. "I could be that for you. I'm good at compartmentalizing. Spectacular, really."

Matthew cleared his throat, looking slightly embarrassed, and nudged her boot under the table.

"I- I think we could give it a shot."

~

The door shut behind Jessica and suddenly Matthew's hands were holding her hips, his nose buried in the crook of her neck, his stubble tickling her in a very nice way.

"I thought you'd pour me a drink before," she said, her voice already husky. "Nice altar boy such as yourself..."

"We had dinner," he shrugged and helped her out of her jacket. "Walked you home."

"Okay, first of all," Jessica took her shirt off and threw it blindly down the hallway, "I paid," Matthew smirked. "And second of all, you walked me to _your_ home, jackass," she poked at his chest and, seeing that her hand was already there she pulled at his tie a little, to have him within reach if she decided to kiss him. He seemed to have the same thought as he leaned towards her, angling his face, he was an inch away. Jessica let go of his tie and grabbed his glasses instead, taking her time to take the mask off, his nice, helpless persona. Under, his gaze was still vacant but there was something to his smirk...

In the end it was him that closed the distance between them, kissing her with all the fight he had in him, all the stuff he didn't let everyone else see. He grabbed her waist and thighs with force, so that she straddled him for the few steps that separated them from the bed. Jessica was so strong she sometimes did forget she weighed what a regular girl did and, sure, she was letting Matt win, but there was a considerable amount of fun to be had from being manhandled by someone she trusted.

Matthew threw her to the mattress and helped her out of her boots, then her jeans and her underwear all at once; Matthew was completely dressed but for his blazer. He climbed his way up her body, biting the inside of her thighs and the side of her ribs, kissing her hips and her nipples.

"God! Jesus fucking Christ!" Jessica groaned.

"Don't," Matthew looked up frowning, nostrils flaring.

"Really?!" Jessica was short of breath as she sat up on her elbows. "I can't even say that because you're really, really good?"

He shook his head, tickling her skin with his jagged breath. "No."

"Make me stop then, Murdock," she said, an eyebrow up, challenging him.

Just like that, he rolled her over and held her torso to his chest, both of them kneeling on the bed. She barely heard the sound of a zipper being undone, he thrust into her from behind. Jessica moaned into his mouth and jaw, whatever she could kiss from that angle. The hungry beast inside herself purred with satisfaction, her eyes rolling back for once not out of annoyance but bliss. She was getting all she bargained for, getting Matthew wild and carefree, panting into the crook of her neck, pulling on her hair as she arched her back over and over.

"Sil- Silk sheets, Murdock, seriously?" Jessica asked when she collapsed on them, her taunt diminished by how breathy her voice sounded and the tiny smile that adorned her sweaty face.

Matthew, next to her on the bed, smirked. "Do you like them?"

"Think I could get used to them."

~

After that, it became a competition of sorts, who could make the other come undone faster, harder, in the most inopportune moments. They learned to read each other all over again because they weren't looking to annoy but to please. It came naturally to Matthew, what with him being able to hear Jessica's heartbeat, feel her muscles about to clench under her skin and guess right away when she was faking.

"You hate this," said Matthew on their third or fourth night together. They were at Jessica's place; he had gone down on her and then she had ridden him to exhaustion. After regaining their bearings Matthew had reached for her waist and held her close, their bodies parallel and his head on her shoulder blade. She had gone stiff immediately.

"Yeah, sorry," she apologized, disentangling herself from his arms so that she could face him. "I'm sure chicks die for this kind of thing but it's too close too soon."

Matthew nodded but still added with a smile: "Your honor, need I remind you that I was literally between your legs an hour ago?"

She rolled her eyes and went to get her shirt.

"If we were doing role-play, I'd ask you to be a little more creative, counselor," she sassed from the bathroom. When she returned, she settled on the bed, then scooted a little closer to Matthew. He wasn't moving, just smiling absently to her general direction. Patient and stoic, textbook Matthew.

She grabbed his wrist, making space to nestle on his chest, his arm around her: a compromise.

"Let's sleep," Jessica said and she could feel him sigh contentedly under her; she tried not to smile but she couldn't.

~

They had run into each other at the precinct: two unrelated cases, close to being solved but not quite there yet. They sat outside, in the crisp New York cold, each taking turns to recount their findings. They fit like puzzle pieces in bed but their brains were compatible in some way too, Matthew's angled to compassionate logic and Jessica's towards empirical suspicion. Jessica's case was solved and Matthew's defense was made air tight within a thirty minute conversation. And so, with time to spare they went to Matt's apartment.

"Whisky?" he asked.

"I'd like a beer but after..."

One step and she was in his space, cupping his face to guide their mouths together, humming contentedly in his kitchen of all places. It was weird, if she really stopped to think about it, how comfortable she was with him. Two weeks they had spent apart, work had been a bitch, and she had missed it ('it' being not only sex but good sex, the kind that takes time and practice - and trust, she supposed. Once guys saw what one of her punches could do to a brick wall they were all hesitant to get between her legs, lest their skulls be cracked like eggshells).

And Matthew knew, because of course he did.

"Missed me?" he asked against her lips.

"Don't get cocky," Jessica slapped his chest, intending for soft and playful, but the sound that followed was closer to a properly painful hit. "Shit, sorry," she left her hand there, worried. "I still don't know my force." Matthew chuckled and blushed. "What?"

He guided her hand down so that he didn't have to say how hard he was.

"Oh, fuck," Jessica mumbled, her eyes wide. "No! Matt, are we doing safe words and all that kinky shit now?"

Matthew shrugged. "Only if you want."

"Jesus. I knew you were a masochist, Murdock but this is next level," she tried not to sound impressed, or worse, aroused. "Is it not enough that you get bruised and thrown around on your night job?"

"I don't know the whys and hows, Jess," he put his hands up in surrender, as if that would somehow detract from his erection. "It feels good when you do it, is all."

"I'm not hitting you," Jessica declared. "I'm just not," she bit the inside of her cheek in thought, looking at Matt, his eyes somehow darker than usual... "But… If you're curious," she grabbed his tie and tugged at it, undoing the knot agonizingly slow. "There's something I like that we could try..."

Matthew smirked; Jessica was a perfect match for his brand of crazy when she stopped pretending to be someone else. He nodded.

"Aren't you worried about what I'm going to do to you?" Jessica asked half an hour later. It was half an exclamation and half a taunt, whispered in Matthew's ear as she adjusted the ties that kept him bound to the bed, practically immobile.

There was something placid about him, like he was a painting of a long forgotten martyr hanging in a museum. Instead of writhing impatiently like Jessica would if the roles were reversed, he waited stoically, looking positively biblical and beautiful against his silk sheets. He laughed and suddenly the painting came to life, electric, mischievous.

"No," he answered simply, arching his neck to try to kiss her but Jessica moved back an inch, just out of reach. "You want to know why?" Matthew asked.

"I'll bite," she conceded, a smirk curling her lips. "Why?"

"Because I trust you, Jessica Jones," he said and, damn, if that didn't send a chill down Jessica's spine. Being together was their own kind of messy heaven inside Hell's Kitchen.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are love <3  
> Come talk to me at my tumblr @aralisj if you want :)


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